Imagine a good old boy, walking through the woods, and stumbles across a lightsaber. A real, honest to God, working lightsaber. What would he do with it? (After he was done slashing it around, pretending to defeat Darth Vader, like we've all pretended to do with vacuum cleaner parts and PVC pipe, and anything else that would make that sound. (Don't judge. You've done it too.))
So let's follow our intrepid explorer, and see what he comes up with...
Use # 1 - Brush hog.
You've been out hunting before and come to a large patch of impenetrable thorn bushes. you know that every deer in the tri-state area is hiding in there, but unless you want to end up looking like a connect the numbers picture, you have to turn around and go home. But not now...Press the button and start hacking away at those bushes. See if you don't find every species of animal explode out of the wreckage.
Use # 2 - Bottle opener.
You and your friends want to 'toss back a few' but no one can find a bottle opener. You proudly announce, "Let me take care of this." and whip out your lightsaber, just like Obi-wan did in the cantina. Only instead of some dude's arm, you slice off the bottle caps, then stare everyone down before putting your 'saber away.
Downsides to this. 1) If your friends are stupid enough to drink from the bottles, they will probably slice their tongues or swallow glass. 2) Your friends won't invite you out anymore.
Use # 3 - Pool emptier.
It's the end of summer and you're draining your temporary, seasonal, swimming pool again. the tiny drain hole seems to take forever, so out comes Mr. lightsaber. Three slashes later you're ready to start folding that thing up. Yes, it will need some repair before you can use it again, but that's nearly a year away. You'll worry about that later.
Use # 4 - Emergency appendectomy.
Let's say you and your buddies are out on a lake, fishing. Billie Bob suddenly clutches his right side, and screams in pain. After making sure it's an appendicitis (I don't know how to do that, do you?) you whip out your trusty lightsaber and cut that puppy out, saving Billie Bob's life. Just be careful. It takes a steady hand, and make sure to cut out the right organ.
Use # 5 - Nuclear waste disposal.
You're tired of catching three eyed fish in the local lake. You know where the stuff is, so you dig some up, cut open the top, and let your lightsaber have at it.
Warning, possible side effects could include, radiation sickness, toxic fumes, and the occasional mushroom cloud.
Use # 6 - 'Borrowing' road signs.
Ok, it's really stealing road signs, which is a little on the dark side, but come on, what redneck hasn't ever stolen a road sign? Just like there's times when you just gotta have a drink, there's times when you just gotta have a road sign. Either for home decor or romance. (Honey, I got this 'yield' sign for you for our anniversary.) Instead of fumbling around with a bunch of tools to unscrew the sign, you just whip out the old trusty glow rod, slice that puppy off, and toss it in the back of the pickup before the neighbors call the cops.
Use # 7 - Door opener (Locksmith)
So you've locked your keys in the car again? Not to worry, just hold your lightsaber against the lock and press the button. Problem solved! Of course now you'll need to replace the lock, along with the interior door panel, seat, possibly parts of the drivetrain, but the door is open, wasn't that the overall goal?
Use # 8 - Jackhammer
Slice up that old cement in a fraction of the time it would usually take. (With the amazing new lightsaber for ronco. It slices, it dices, it makes mincemeat out of concrete.) You wouldn't even have to wear earplugs and jiggle your belly fat. (Unless you wanted to, which is really disturbing.)
Use # 9 - Back hair removal
This one involves two things...trust, and a steady hand. Are you sick and tired of having your back waxed? (I know I am.) Here's the solution, laze those hairs off. Just make sure you follow the contour of the back precisely, we don't want any accidental back surgery. Here's a tip...if you smell skin burning, you've taken just a little too much off.
Use # 10 - Fence post digger.
It's hot, you're tired, planting fence posts all the way around the back forty takes a lot of work. Let your trusty lightsaber make it easier. Just stick it in the ground, cut a circle, bingo, you're done. Put the post in and move on.
